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Moi

shim.:) a lazy girl who tries to keep a blog. TRIES. i empahsize it again.:) bpmc.NUS. um.. nth else i guess

loves and likes

God, family,friends,Munching(eggtart,chocs,icecreams,bread! i;m a carboqueen:)),piano,mortar-and -pestle-ing (triturate. haha...i;m kidding LAH)

prayers

Shepherd of my soul, take the wheel of this boat :) wherever you may lead , i will follow

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

hellos.i don't know why, but i just suddenly want to blog... i want to say something. i just wanna rant. not because i'm reminded to, not because i feel obliged to, not because of anything. I just wanted to blog. maybe just to voice out some stuff that are really quite seldom heard from me.

I had this weird feeling today. A feeling that's not quite me. I'm confused. Sometimes i just wonder. Am i that crappy all the time? or did i become crappy just so that i can get attention, seek affirmation or gain approval from the people around me? i really don't know. I remember being an introvert someone who's really quiet and even to an extent of being almost non existent.Is it just how it's supposed to be? But anyways, sometimes people tell me my "crappiness" brightens up their day and if that is so, i dont mind tt at all :) really. but sometimes i really wonder...is it too much? Being crappy is fun and all that but when u want to say something and really want to be taken seriously, will you be taken seriously? or rather , will i? It's jus so you to be blah blah blah.. just so you. like what's new? ha ha ha

I remember having a talk with my friend about how people always have many sides. And how some people appear to be the happy-go-lucky kinda person but have a deeper side that he or she dont want people to know of? I dont want my crappy self to be a mask to hide a inner side of me.and that is what's disturbing me. I want to be the real me.

When i was little, i learnt that we shouldnt crack jokes about people coz u'll never know when people can get hurt. have i forgotten that already?Has it become the norm to crack mean jokes about people? does being crappy involve always putting myself down ? make urself look silly?or even putting others down? is it ok at all? i know in all the rubbish i sprout , there will be at times where i say something and the words came out wrong, and hurt someone unintentionally.Words said with good intentions can turn out the wrong way and Damage done is not measured by the intentions, but by the words itself.the damage is already done.I'm sorry if i hurt you in anyway, really sorry.

And this queer feeling of mine lasted quite a good few hours. I was getting a little uneasy. Why the sudden emo-ness. And i got quite disturbed by my confused thoughts. I wanted someone to talk to. like really to just voice all that i wanted to say.It so bad that i couldnt really concentrate on what i wanted to do. I had a long talk with Him and I cried.as i prayed, i felt peace. real peace. I said tt i'm afraid coz i'm confused and i feel like i dont know myself. But He knows me. He knows me a million times better than i know myself. And He understands me when i dont even understand myself.
thank You for knowing me. thank You for loving the unlovely me. thank You for accepting me, a me that i may not quite fully understand.thank You for letting me know that i'm not worthless, but precious in Your eyes.Because You see the depths of my heart, i have nothing to hide form You. Help me to be sensitive to not speak hurtful words , but words of encouragement.

I'm hesitant to publish this entry...I feel weird putting this on the blog.. so exposed... but yup these were my thoughts. just wanted to share. :)